Diet
So I decided to go on this sadistic diet aiming to clean out my colon and do some general detoxification. The way the diet works is that you eat only fruit for 2 weeks, it gives your pancreas a rest from producing acids to break down food, and the acids from the fruit losen the garbage left behind by my beloved red meats and chicken skins.
I am currently on day five of this hell; it has gone something like this:
Monday:
I started off the day with a delicious apple. It did nothing. I was craving pizza by the second hour of consciousness. When I decided that I absolutely had to do something to fill me up I went to the market next door and indulged in a large bowl of pineapple. It was devine, I do enjoy a good dose of pineapple. As the day went on I needed some more sustinance so I peeled and ate an orange. Once returning home for the day I had several glasses of milk.
Then it happened; my first visit to the restroom. The initial wave came pouring out of me, but I continued to sit there and see if I couldn't coax any more to come out. As I flipped through the pages of the latest National Geographic my lower abdomen started to hurt, a lot. I persisted and let what seemed like a giant air bubble work its way down. Another log started to come through that felt like hard .50 calber round passing through the barrel of the .30 caliber rifle. Without any rest a whole shit load (no pun intended) of loose feces came flooding though. I determined that it was time to take a break and wiped my exhausted leather cheerio and stood up. I peered back in to the toilet to see what manner of hell I had managed to push out. The hard peice that came out looked like it had been contoured by my intestines, a good sign that something had broken off. What struck me, however, was the large mass of pineapple remains that had streamed through at the end. It had taken less than 5 hours for it to make its journey. Jesus.
Tuesday:
After two glasses of orange juice before heading off to work, I grabbed two apples and went on my merry way. These two apples would be all I would eat all day. What I did do was drink several glasses of milk, sadly it did a good job of filling me up. I could tell by this point that these two weeks would be a real struggle. I found myself staring off into space imagining pizza, roast beef sanwiches, general tso's chicken, or McDonald's flowing down my gullet into my waiting, aching, stomach. It didn't help that one of the people that works just down from me took it upon himself to come enjoy his lunch right next to me; dick head.
I got home, no dumps, no nothing, just a fresh fruit smoothie.
Wednesday:
I started the much like tuesday, orange juice and an apple. At work I tried to make it through most of the day without eating so I could enjoy an orange. About 4 hours into work I felt weak and decided it was time to have a fruit salad. It included melon, honey dew, blue berries, strawberries, and my beloved pineapples. I took a bite of the pineapple and nearly gagged. Apparently seeing it post ass-hole changed my feelings towards it.
Once home I had a very unimpressive visit to the shitter. Damn.
Thursday:
I had orange juice, and ate nothing for the rest of the day. It may have been because I was so busy all day, or that I would rather imagine eating a pound of bacon than having one more awful bite of fruit. Several glasses of milk are all that went into me. I needed to get pooping and maybe letting what was already there sit and fester might coerce it out of me. No dice, no dumps, no nothing. This is starting to really suck.
Today (Friday):
Given that my girlfriend, my partner in this little endeavor, doesn't eat bananas I decided that I would grab two before heading off to work. I was so hungry from not eating the day before that I peeled and bit into it 2 minutes after gettting into my car. Holy mother of all that is unholy it was awful. It seems that not eating these godforsaken things for years was a wide decision. The taste was off putting, but the texture was enough to make my wretch; it felt like monday's dump swishing around my mouth. I managed to force it down nonetheless.
Since I had not had a satifying visit to das dumper in a few days I elected to revisit the pineapples, which seemed to do a good job of getting through me and bringing stuff with it. I managed to eat about three quarters of the portion I had purchased. We will see how that goes. I'll try to give an update before I hit bed if I'm not confined to the porcelain chair for hours on end. Don't cross your fingers.
Also, sorry for the long absence. I'll try to do better.
I am currently on day five of this hell; it has gone something like this:
Monday:
I started off the day with a delicious apple. It did nothing. I was craving pizza by the second hour of consciousness. When I decided that I absolutely had to do something to fill me up I went to the market next door and indulged in a large bowl of pineapple. It was devine, I do enjoy a good dose of pineapple. As the day went on I needed some more sustinance so I peeled and ate an orange. Once returning home for the day I had several glasses of milk.
Then it happened; my first visit to the restroom. The initial wave came pouring out of me, but I continued to sit there and see if I couldn't coax any more to come out. As I flipped through the pages of the latest National Geographic my lower abdomen started to hurt, a lot. I persisted and let what seemed like a giant air bubble work its way down. Another log started to come through that felt like hard .50 calber round passing through the barrel of the .30 caliber rifle. Without any rest a whole shit load (no pun intended) of loose feces came flooding though. I determined that it was time to take a break and wiped my exhausted leather cheerio and stood up. I peered back in to the toilet to see what manner of hell I had managed to push out. The hard peice that came out looked like it had been contoured by my intestines, a good sign that something had broken off. What struck me, however, was the large mass of pineapple remains that had streamed through at the end. It had taken less than 5 hours for it to make its journey. Jesus.
Tuesday:
After two glasses of orange juice before heading off to work, I grabbed two apples and went on my merry way. These two apples would be all I would eat all day. What I did do was drink several glasses of milk, sadly it did a good job of filling me up. I could tell by this point that these two weeks would be a real struggle. I found myself staring off into space imagining pizza, roast beef sanwiches, general tso's chicken, or McDonald's flowing down my gullet into my waiting, aching, stomach. It didn't help that one of the people that works just down from me took it upon himself to come enjoy his lunch right next to me; dick head.
I got home, no dumps, no nothing, just a fresh fruit smoothie.
Wednesday:
I started the much like tuesday, orange juice and an apple. At work I tried to make it through most of the day without eating so I could enjoy an orange. About 4 hours into work I felt weak and decided it was time to have a fruit salad. It included melon, honey dew, blue berries, strawberries, and my beloved pineapples. I took a bite of the pineapple and nearly gagged. Apparently seeing it post ass-hole changed my feelings towards it.
Once home I had a very unimpressive visit to the shitter. Damn.
Thursday:
I had orange juice, and ate nothing for the rest of the day. It may have been because I was so busy all day, or that I would rather imagine eating a pound of bacon than having one more awful bite of fruit. Several glasses of milk are all that went into me. I needed to get pooping and maybe letting what was already there sit and fester might coerce it out of me. No dice, no dumps, no nothing. This is starting to really suck.
Today (Friday):
Given that my girlfriend, my partner in this little endeavor, doesn't eat bananas I decided that I would grab two before heading off to work. I was so hungry from not eating the day before that I peeled and bit into it 2 minutes after gettting into my car. Holy mother of all that is unholy it was awful. It seems that not eating these godforsaken things for years was a wide decision. The taste was off putting, but the texture was enough to make my wretch; it felt like monday's dump swishing around my mouth. I managed to force it down nonetheless.
Since I had not had a satifying visit to das dumper in a few days I elected to revisit the pineapples, which seemed to do a good job of getting through me and bringing stuff with it. I managed to eat about three quarters of the portion I had purchased. We will see how that goes. I'll try to give an update before I hit bed if I'm not confined to the porcelain chair for hours on end. Don't cross your fingers.
Also, sorry for the long absence. I'll try to do better.
posted by 515 at 2:40 PM
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